Some days just suck.
I’ve got a great life. I really do. I have three children, who are each the most fun, warm, engaging kids on the planet. They are healthy, happy, beautiful, kind human beings. I’m able to be a full time mother to them, which is honestly the only thing that I’ve ever felt strongly about in my life. I’ve got a hunky husband, who after 18 years is still my best friend and the best life partner I could’ve ever been given. I’ve got some of the coolest friends, all of whom make me laugh and are interesting and intelligent. I have a beautiful home, a nice car and plenty of shoes. A great damn life.
But even in the midst of pretty-close-to-dream-life-minus-Hollywood-red-carpets, there are days that I think to myself “is this what my life has come to?”. Evenings when I make a hasty retreat to the corner store to purchase a stale Twix bar just to inhale it on the way home even though I’m supposed to be on a diet a.k.a. *lifestyle change*. Moments when I think “Holy Mother of Pete, WTF has happened to my life and who kidnapped Cool Melissa and replaced her with this shell of a mentally exhausted run-down no goodnick?” Glimpses of time when I want to run away to an island and live off the land (only if the land would provide a comfy beach chair and a steady flow of Pina Coladas).One of those moments happened to me this afternoon. One of my kids said something so random and insane in the most inopportune time that my entire being and everything around me froze. In that moment, while time was paused, I stepped outside of my physical body and looked at myself and said “Wait. Do What? Is this really happening? Did he really just say that? That’s not my kid. Yes, it is. This is what your life is now, you moron. All the love in the world shown to him and he still was capable of saying something like that. Look at you with your jaw to the ground. No, really. Close your mouth, wake up and say something you fool”. (For those of you who know me, you can add in the expletives that you know my out-of-body self threw into the mix of this Melissa-to-Melissa conversation.)
I’ve had a couple of those instances in the last few months. Times when totally unexpected things have happened and my life required an instant evaluation. When loved ones totally flipped me the bird and made me realize that I am not worth as much as I thought I was to them. These are times when I’ve had to take an intrapersonal look at myself and my beliefs. When I’ve had to dig deep to remember who I am, who I want to be, and who I want others to believe that I am. What kind of mother I want for my kids. When I’ve had to reevaluate my values and what I’m willing to give up to remain the person I want to be.Hear me when I say to you that it’s hard sometimes. Sometimes life is a true bitch. Sometimes curveballs are thrown so hard at your face that you don’t dodge them quite fast enough and they do a little damage. That damage can make you curl up in a ball in the corner of the room. Or it can harden you and change you, thus not allowing you not live up to what or who you want to be. Or you can go find that effing ball, take a nice hard look at it, and throw it back as hard as you can. (And if you’re like me and have terrible aim, said ball may not end up hitting its intended target, but it’ll still make you feel better to throw it.)
There are times that I have chosen A, B and C. Then there are times that I pause for a moment or two (or a couple weeks) and look at myself. Think. Meditate. Talk it over. Scream. Cry. Pray. Think some more.
But I always go back to:
- How do I want my life to look and feel?
- What kind of life to I want for my children and my marriage?
- Can my heart carry this heavy load?
- Will my reaction be worth the price?